December 14, 2017

Finding out my baby gender

I decided early on that I wanted my third baby to be a surprise. After trying all the ‘gender sway’ techniques to conceive a girl for several months (without conceiving once during this time) we decided to just stop, and just try for ‘a baby’, because, above all, we wanted three children, girl or boy.

 

We conceived immediately that month. As I mentioned in my announcement post (HERE), I initially was scared at the reality of juggling three children, but very quickly got over it and got excited at being pregnant again and adding another little human to my family. We did the Harmony test at 10weeks and despite deep down wanting to know the gender, we decided to keep it a surprise. After I found out that my second son was a boy, at 20 weeks, I uncontrollably cried for two weeks as I thought that I would for sure have a girl, but then, I moved on from the ‘girl’ idea and enjoyed the rest of my pregnancy excited to meet my beautiful healthy baby boy. When I met Will (my second) for the first time when the obstetrician held him up for me to see him, I loved him immediately, he was my precious baby and I was so angry at myself to dare cry over not having a girl, all those months earlier. This is exactly why I decided to not find out what my third baby was.

 

At my 13-week scan, I took my mum with me, because, as with all third pregnancies I assume, the partner doesn’t attend all the appointments. I was so excited to finally see the baby properly and make sure it was all ok. Then, something was said and something was seen. After having two kids, I think I am pretty good at reading and seeing things in ultrasounds. As the sonographer went over the genitals (and I knew it was where he was looking because, like I said, I know what I am looking at) he said, “Oh look, ummm do you know what you are having?”.  In that moment, I slapped my face, covered my eyes and said “NO!” but in that moment, I knew.

 

My mum saw it too, and I knew she did without her saying anything. We didn’t speak about it until we got to the car and I said to mum “I saw a penis” she said, “I saw balls!”. We were silent.

 

For the next few days, I kept to myself and went over and over in my head and replayed the DVD of the ultrasound and paused it on the ‘doodle’ part. Of course, at 13weeks, the ‘doodle’ could be an umbilical cord or a ‘nub’ (yes, I spent a lot of time on google). I didn’t know 100% that I was carrying a boy and that made it all the worse. I didn’t know, but I thought I knew and I didn’t want to know at all, this was supposed to be my surprise.

 

I was just really angry. I was angry because I wished the sonographer didn’t say anything and I wish he warned me before going ‘down there’ to check out the baby. I was angry because I didn’t want to want a girl and I didn’t want to have unnecessary emotions over baby gender, when I knew that when the baby was born, I would be so in love, it would be exactly what I was supposed to have and have been blessed with. I was protecting myself by not finding out, so I wouldn’t have a silly little thought about my perfectly healthy babies gender, because after all, we just wanted a third child.

 

Two weeks went by and I couldn’t handle it anymore! I spoke to Josh and we decided because of the circumstance I was in, the questioning, the anger at ruining my surprise and the constant thoughts and wonder consuming me, we decided to call up the obstetrician’s rooms and ask what we were having.

 

Deep down, deep, deep down, I knew I did need to ‘deal’ with saying goodbye to the idea of having a girl if that was my destiny and then if they said it was a girl, then it might have been fun to do a little bit of shopping.

 

I went into the baby’s room and pulled out some gorgeous tiny little onesies and my favourite Ralph Lauren jumper that Will used to wear. I stared at them for ages and it warmed my heart remembering my gorgeous little boy wearing them and how much I love him. Tears streamed down my face, just thinking of my love for my children and how lucky I am to be carrying another baby.

I picked up the phone and called the obstetrician’s rooms and spoke to a midwife. I told her I wanted to know what I was having and explained to her all the circumstances that brought me to this phone call. “Ok, I will get your paperwork now” she said.

 

I was so nervous as I knew the following words would be it, and I would know what I was having. “You are having a little boy” she said. I cried. Out of nowhere, I cried, and I couldn’t stop it. She asked if I was ok and I said “Yes, of course.”

 

I sat in that room by myself and cried for half an hour. I cried because I didn’t want to feel this way, the way that I had wanted to protect myself from, from past experience, at the birth of my child, a surprise would not give me a chance to consider what gender I add to my family.

I was crying because I knew I would not be a mother of a daughter in my lifetime and I had to put the girl idea in a box, pack it up and say goodbye. I wasn’t crying because I was having a boy, because I loved this beautiful healthy baby so much, regardless of the gender. I remember saying out loud “It’s not you, it’s me, baby, I love you.”

 

I told Josh that we were having a baby boy and of course, his little cricket team was coming along nicely and he was very proud, this made me feel proud. I pulled myself together, but for just under a week, I was saying goodbye to the ‘idea’ of being a mother of a girl. I won’t be a mother of the bride, have a little mini me to dress up and go shopping with and to be the go-to for her children when I am a grandmother.

 

You see, the biggest thing about having these feelings is the guilt. I easily conceived all my children, I didn’t need IVF, I have never had a miscarriage, I have never had any loss and my children are very healthy. I am one of the luckiest women in this world for all those reasons, and here I was crying a few tears because I may never have a daughter? What kind of person am I?

 

I put the idea of ‘Chloe Victoria’ (my daughter I imagined having one day) in a faraway part of my mind and moved forward, celebrating all the blessings in my life and imagined my beautiful little boy in my life, I wondered who he would look like, Aston or Will? I was super excited about having another boy, something about three boys sounded so wonderful to me, but because no one knew what I was having, let alone knew that I knew, I couldn’t sing it from the roof tops like I wish I could have done. You know what? I will be a mother of the groom three times over, I love styling my boys and sometimes we even match, Aston loves shopping with me and if I can be the best mother in law to my son’s wives, then I will be a wonderful support to them when they gift me with grandchildren.

 

I don’t know why I didn’t actually tell people that we knew what we were having but were keeping it a secret, I think if I did, everyone would have figured it out anyways and because I really wanted this baby to be a surprise for me, I think I was kind of living through everyone else, who didn’t know and whom it was a surprise for.

 

I received many messages and emails from mums of two boys, asking me questions about going for a third and how they and I would feel if it was another boy. I couldn’t get through replying to them because, I simply knew that this blog post would be the best perspective for them. I also received several emails from women asking advice on how they could conceive a child. When the first email about this came in, it truly made me thankful that my crying over a baby gender for a short time was short lived and that I snapped out of it quick fast, because there are so many women out there who long for a baby, just their own gorgeous little baby to love but it is a long journey of heartache and highs and lows.

 

For me, looking back at accidently finding out what I was having was totally a blessing. I got to see perspective better, I said goodbye to the girl thought/idea and accepted that I will just be a boy mum, I got to get excited and connect better with this baby and get my boys excited about the baby too. Although trying to tell a six-year-old that he can’t tell anyone that he is getting another brother was an epic fail. He told everyone, his school teacher, friends and some of our family, nawww he is so innocent and I just rolled with it because he shouldn’t have to lie or keep secrets, but he completely connected with the baby/bump and I am very glad I told him.

 

I am sorry if I told you in person that we didn’t know what we are having (on social media, I avoided all the questions so I didn’t have to lie) I just wanted to keep it a surprise, like I said, for everyone else. My best advice for you, is to let go of the ‘I hope you have a girl’ or ‘Will you try for number four to get a girl?” comments for me and for anyone else who has boys, because you don’t know what that mum is going though, maybe they know, maybe they have high hopes, or maybe they have gone through a long journey of trying to fall pregnant at all, a healthy baby, any kind of baby is above all a gift and the pressure to have a certain gender should simply not be considered when they have been blessed with whatever it is in their tummy’s that they love and basically can’t change!

 

Words can’t really describe how much I love my new baby boy, he has my heart, my whole heart just like his big brothers do. I stare at him all day and not one little thought has come into my head about wanting a girl or ‘going for another baby’, this is it, this is my family, these are my children and I am smitten. It is funny what your mind can do to take over from reality, because in the end, the wanting a girl thing, is just a thought, an idea of what you ‘think’ your life should/would be like, but the baby you are blessed with is just that, an absolute blessing.

 

Side note- girls-shmirls, I would have ten more boys now! and…negative comments not welcome, please.

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Photos by Katie Fergus

Outfits all Bardot and Bardot Jr.

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